Iago, being eternally curious and too stupid to know any better, decided to start using it, so I observed from a safe distance. The potty did not eat him, so eventually I decided to give it a try.

I emerged victorious, but suspicious. It still moves without warning, in no discernible pattern. So I use it sparingly, and occasionally go beside it when it is lying unusually quiet, because I know then that it’s just waiting for me to step inside to meet my final doom.

Then a new addition appeared on the potty scene: the pee pad. It is a flat white cloth with a blue border that lies flat on the floor. It’s quite nice to go on, although it doesn’t work as well when I try to bury my business. I was fine with this new addition, which allowed me to avoid the evil potty, until one day I saw the package sitting on the floor.

It had a picture of a dog on it. A DOG!

Friends, this is the final insult.  I’m not sure which I find most irritating: the fact that my humans are giving me something created for a DOG, or the fact that these perfectly fine pee pads exist and no one wants to offer them to us cats.

I expressed my displeasure by peeing beside the pad, and then sweeping it over the puddle. Enjoy, you mindless bipeds.

Man, I can’t believe it’s spring! I wish the weather would cooperate more so I could go sit out on the porch. Hasn’t this been an awful winter, though?

The worst thing about winter is how dry it gets. It makes me very itchy, and I get little flakes of dry skin and spend too much time bathing. A lot of cats probably have this problem. There’s a few things you can do that help us feel better and look better, if you want!

- Get a humidifier. Really, it’s good for your skin too. You can just put it up in the room you sleep in, and if your cat-friend sleeps with you too, we’ll both benefit!

- Make sure we have good quality food. It should have lots of meat, and some foods even have extra Omega fatty acids that help our skin and coat look nice. Canned food is good too since it gives us extra water and will keep us from getting dehydrated.

- Make sure our water is fresh. We really don’t like to drink water very much, so if it has bits of food or hair or dirt in it we REALLY don’t like to drink it. Eww!

- Moisturizing wet wipes. You can get these from a store, but you have to make sure they’re for cats. Cats and humans have very different skin types. Anyway, they help our coats look all shiny and healthy, and they get rid of the flakes of dry skin.  And they feel kind of nice, too, even if they make me smell funny.  That’s okay, I can live with that if I’m not as itchy.

- Pet us a lot! The oils from human skin help our fur look nice and shiny!  Actually, I don’t know if that’s true or not, I just want more head skritches.  So I’ll go ahead and put it on the list.

Tadah!  Wow, this was easy. I wonder why Akasha doesn’t post more often? Maybe I’ll go ask her.  If she’s not going to use this blog-thingy, maybe I could have it.  “Ask Iago” sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?

It’s shedding season.

No need to glare. It’s not as if we do it intentionally. The stray strand of fur that you find in your lunch, or the one tickling your nose, or the one painfully trapped under your contact lens – we don’t put them there intentionally. (That is, provided you haven’t done something horrible and disrespectful to deserve it. You may want to rack your brains and be sure that you haven’t, and if you have, do something to rectify the situation immediately.)

It’s a simple fact of life that as the seasons change, so do our climate-controlled coverings. You don’t wear the same coat in late spring that you do in midwinter, so why would we want to? Unfortunately we can’t just remove the coat and hang it in the closet; we have to let it fall out hair by hair and then replace it by slowly growing in new ones.

We have a way of doing this. We lick off our loose, dead fur, either leaving it in tufts on your carpeting, or swallowing it to get it out of the way. After a while we remember that eating a lot of fur doesn’t do well for the stomach, so we bring it back up, usually someplace where you can step in it to remind you to clean it up.

Humans, however, have a better way of performing this task. You have nifty little devices called combs and brushes. They’re much better at removing dead fur, and quite honestly, they give a fantastic massage. By all means, bring on the combs and brushes.

In case you’re not sure which implement goes best with which cat, let me enlighten you. A long-haired cat, such as myself, will do best with a fine comb or a “slicker” brush (square with little hooked wires sticking out from it.) These go deeper to break up the tangles that are forming in our cozy undercoats. On the other paw, a short-haired cat, such as the insufferable Iago, finds better results from a bristle brush or rubber curry brush (similar to what you would use on a horse…come to think of it, the comparison is fairly appropriate.)

So do yourselves, and us, a favor. Bring on the combs and brushes. And have a happy Autumn.

There are many steps to the full Cat spa treatment, and so often you will see us spread them out throughout the day. This gives us a chance to take breaks for other important things such as eating, sleeping, and looking out the window.  Below is a list of the most common grooming targets. When you see us attending to them, please leave us to our work and know that we are basking in the relaxation of becoming a better-looking Cat.

The Fur – Most often, we will be grooming our fur. This involves a great deal of licking (and an occasional chewing to deal with tough mats in the fur.) Our fur is our most obviously beautiful feature, and it is critical that it be in good condition as often as possible.

The Face – When cleaning the face, we lick a front paw and then use it to rub the eyes, nose, and ears. We will repeat this more than seems necessary, because the face is the second most obviously beautiful feature.

The Toes – Cleaning between the toes is a delicate and sometimes frustrating business. (You do realize we have twenty of them, yes?) Unless a cat has walked through something unpleasant, however, we will likely not clean all of them every day.

The Delicate Bits – These get cleaned quite often as well, because we use them several times a day over the litter box, and no one likes to have their delicate bits dirty. It is important to have plenty of space around when cleaning them, to properly air them out. The middle of a room is best – especially if there are other people in the room. A good angle of contortion allows guests to fully appreciate your fur, your face, your flexibility, AND your delicate bits.

The Teeth – Again, not necessary every day, but it is frustrating to have that one bit of cat food between your teeth, and it will bother us if we can’t get it out. To solve this problem, you will see your cat rubbing his mouth over and chewing on some textured object such as a human toothbrush or hairbrush, mylar wrapping paper, gift ribbon or bows, twine, phone cords, or shoelaces. (And don’t bother trying the “cat toothbrush” with the awful-tasting paste on it; it’s not the same, and you won’t present it to us at the right time anyway.)

The Claws – The properly-groomed cat will have claws that are both clean and sharp, which may be maintained by scratching them on some clean, solid object such as wood, carpet, upholstery, or other natural fibers that offer resistance to scratching. Ideal surfaces will be vertical and taller than a cat’s paws can reach, and include tree trunks, couches, stairs, and tall scratching posts covered in carpet or wrapped twine.

Note: by scolding when a cat displays any aspect of good grooming, you are discouraging your feline companion from maintaining overall good looks, which can result in decreased grooming and eventually, poor self-esteem. And a Cat with poor self-esteem is no Cat at all.

For one thing, I believe there is great potential for a future pet food sponsor of this blog, which could result in me receiving free cat food and perhaps my face on the front of their food labels. So I would hate to rule out that possibility by having said something against their brand previously that I couldn’t gracefully retract.

For another thing, different cats respond to foods in different ways, so there is no one food that is the best for every single cat. We are creative, intellient, sensitive beings, not robots with fur. We are not all alike.

That being said, it is very important that you know what goes into your cat – just as important as it is for you to clean up what comes out of us. Determining what is in your cat’s food is simple: it’s printed on the label. Like most food labels, the ingredients are listed from highest percentage to lowest. If the first ingredient is chicken, then there is more chicken in the food than any other ingredient.

The first three ingredients are the most important ones, and ideally two of them will be meat-based. Cats, unlike dogs, are mainly carnivores. We need more protein to maintain our health than dogs do, so dog food is not an appropriate substitute for cat food. The more meat that is in the food, the happier our bodies will be. If our food is mostly grain, it will be like eating a bowl of cereal sprayed with beef broth. We’ll eat it because it smells good, but it won’t be as nutritious.

We like dairy products, but they don’t always like us. A taste of cheese, yogurt, or vanilla ice cream is a wonderful treat, and I highly encourage you to treat your cat companion on occasion, but we can’t drink milk out of a saucer as a meal. Not even kittens. Cow’s milk gives us digestive issues, which will make your experience cleaning out the litter box less pleasant. Trust me. Also, plain boiled chicken or canned tuna are delicious as a meal substitute if, say, you run out of cat food and some great catastrophe happens, preventing you from running out right away to buy more. Overall though, cat food is more nutritionally well-rounded.

In short, choose a healthy, protein-filled cat food and share your food with us sparingly. Treat us occasionally with something we enjoy, and remember, quality in a treat is better than quantity. Your result? A happy, healthy feline friend.

Metaphorically speaking, of course. There isn’t actually a creature living in the litter box. That would be…unsanitary.

We have, however, been presented with a new box, and it does in fact give me the creeps. It seemed fine when it appeared, and we went and used it, but then it started making noise and something inside was moving. Unnerving, to say the least. What if it moved and got me while I was using it?

Neither of us has used it since, although it has remained quiet and motionless. It’s such a strange and unusual thing that I’m going to withold my review verdict pending further study. I’m sure I can convince Iago to test it out later this week; he has a short memory for things that scare him.

On the bright side, it did come in a very nice box, which I am still enjoying. Just wide enough to turn around in, plenty of length and height, too tall for a certain Other Cat to sit on top of…it is the perfect place to lie down for a nap or defend myself against ninja attacks. Or both. So it does get points for the box.

Originally this site was a prime sampling of cats’ utter disdain for humans. Recently it seems to have evolved into another lolcats site, which is disappointing. Obviously the site owners have caved to human desires for weak, pithy statements attached to attractive photos of felines, rather than trying to represent the true nature of cats.

The truth is, we don’t hate most of you. We can appreciate you for your seemingly endless supply of cat food, your ability to open doors, and your warm beds and blankets in the winter. Some of you we may even enjoy spending time with, especially if you are quiet and sedentary, or if you like to let us outside while you sit and enjoy the weather. In fact, the more you serve our needs, the better we understand you, and the closer you become to being accepted as Cat.

Once humans remember the cat’s true place on earth, the world will be a better place for everyone.

Let me make it perfectly clear that my missing a posting deadline isn’t due to any fault of mine. Quite the contrary.

It’s because of the humans. (It’s always the humans’ fault.)

I’m a cat. I don’t have a computer of my very own. (I don’t even get a litter box of my very own – Iago sees to that. He has no concept of boundaries.)  To post my articles, I have to sneak in and use the human computers when they’re not around. Well, one of them did something to the computers so that they only have access to the Internet when the humans are around. I managed to sneak in when they left the house briefly, leaving their computers on. Apparently one of the new pieces of equipment is to blame. Now that I know the secret, this should no longer be a problem.

You may hide the Red Dot, and you may hide the catnip stash, but you cannot take the Internet away. The Cat will be heard.

I have to wonder about the thought process behind this. Did she think that he’d be suddenly transformed into a skillful, studly hunter, able to leap tall trees in the blink of an eye and live off the land like a Feline Survivor competitor? Did she expect that a steady diet of bugs that ventured to cross his path would sustain him?

I’m not necessarily one to talk about weight; I’m no scrawny Siamese. Then again, I’m not marching around in the wilderness, either, and no human in their right mind would think to put me there. In my prime, I was a hunter indeed. I was lithe, and while I had some cat food available, I also had a bounty of wildlife to munch on. I could catch birds, for Kätzchensakes. But I don’t pretend that I could do the same now, and I’m certain that the overindulged feline in the article certainly couldn’t.

If you can’t handle the fickle but worthwhile companionship of a cat, don’t “release it into the wild.” Find it a home with someone else who cares for it more. To do otherwise is like putting a human baby beside an adult-sized food buffet. They will know the food is there, and they will be hungry, but they won’t have the necessary skills to gain possession of it. Then they will starve. Don’t starve the baby; find the cat a new home, or as last resort, take it to a reputable shelter.

The most popular music tends to have wailing guitars, loud, thumping beats, and screeching human voices singing about kicking each other out of their houses or asking each other to come back. All in all, it reminds one of a back-alley catfight in spring.

Other types of music that are preferred by most cats seem to be mostly despised by humans. These often include piano, strings, or other so-called “classical” instruments which are usually heard in the background of quiet moments on the TV. We find them peaceful, pleasant, and very conducive to our favorite habit: sleeping.

When humans attempt to make their own music, however, the results can be disastrous.

I have, through my time in this household, suffered through human attempts to produce musical sounds from the following: an out-of-tune-piano, a cheap violin, an Irish drum, a guitar, a tambourine, and various types of artistic-looking woodwind instruments of varying qualities. The majority of these attempts have been ear-flattening at best, and comparable to a rabid bat’s dying screams at worst.

But nothing is more gut-wrenching than the sound of the Great Highland Bagpipes.

Why a human would like to try and produce noises like this is anyone’s guess. The problem, of course, is that they are exceedingly loud. We’ve learned to take cover at the first sound of the bag inflating. Even Iago, who likes to play tough and pretend he’s not afraid of anything, makes a beeline for the under-bed retreat. I can honestly say that I have found nothing in this world more irritating than the sound of the bagpipes.

Except, perhaps, animals too stupid to know how awful they sound.

*shudder* With that thought, let’s move on to the weekend, shall we?